Impossible Expectations
Barbra Carlisle • April 16, 2026
The impossible expectations placed on senior leaders and how they cope
Senior leadership comes with an unspoken contract.
Be decisive but do not intimidate people. Be confident but do not dominate the room. Be passionate but tone it down. Be resilient but do not show strain.
One senior leader described it like this:
“People want you to be assertive but not assertive. Strong but weak. Passionate but not showing too much passion.”
If that sounds contradictory, it is.
And yet this is what many experienced leaders carry every day, quietly.
When experience does not equal belonging
In a recent conversation with a Technical Director who has spent over 20 years in a male‑dominated industry, one question stayed with me:
“When do I get to belong?”
This was not said from a place of insecurity or inexperience.
This was someone who:
- leads large, complex programmes
- manages global teams
- has built capability from the ground up
- is objectively successful
And still feels the need to prove herself again and again.
That constant internal checking, am I being too much, am I not enough, is exhausting.
Not because leaders cannot handle pressure. Because the rules keep shifting.
The pressure nobody notices
Many senior leaders normalise the strain.
They tell themselves:
- this is just the job
- others have it worse
- I can push a bit longer
Until the body intervenes.
One moment shared was stark. Working across multiple major projects, sleeping badly, always saying yes. And then the body simply stopped cooperating. A breakdown that arrived without warning.
Not drama. Not failure. Feedback.
What resilience actually looked like
The shift did not come from wellness slogans or better time management.
It came from three grounded changes.
1. Capacity boundaries
A clear rule. If something new comes in, something else must move out.
Not because of weakness. Because leadership requires judgement about capacity, not endless commitment.
2. Progress over perfection
Daily focus on what can realistically move forward.
Two completed tasks is not underperformance. It is momentum.
3. Perspective under pressure
A recurring reminder in difficult moments:
“No one is going to die.”
This is not dismissive. It is grounding.
It brings leaders out of panic mode and back into proportion.
The quiet truth about senior leadership
At the top, pressure does not disappear. It simply becomes less visible.
Strong leaders are not struggling because they lack resilience.
They struggle when they are expected to absorb contradiction, manage everyone else’s comfort, and never acknowledge the cost.
Leadership is not about being everything at once. It is about being clear enough to lead without erasing yourself.
If this resonates, it is not because you are failing. It is because you are carrying more than most people see.
Ideas and thoughts on how to lead well through complexity and change
There’s a moment in many leadership careers where promotion comes with a quiet trade‑off. Not made explicit. Not negotiated. But keenly felt. You’re rewarded for your expertise – and then slowly pulled away from it. In my latest podcast episode, I spoke with Dr Nike Folayan MBE (PhD, CEng., FIET, HonFREng), Technical Director at WSP, who manages a team of 40+ engineers and remains fiercely committed to technical excellence. Her experience mirrors what I see repeatedly when coaching senior leaders in construction and engineering. “I knew my strength was technical. But I was put into non‑technical interface roles – and it almost destroyed me.” This is where many leaders break. The hidden cost of “helpful” roles Nike described being moved into interface management on a major infrastructure project. On paper, it looked like exposure. In reality, it stripped away her professional identity. She was no longer recognised as an engineer – but as someone who was “good at organising”. It was a form of professional dilution. And it happens more than people think. Engineers promoted into coordination or management Specialists turned into generalists Experts trapped in meetings while others do the work they want to do Eventually, they disconnect – or leave. The issue isn’t all about capability. It’s clarity and showcasing. What allowed Nike to rebuild wasn’t luck or resilience clichés. It was brutal clarity. “You have to be very clear what you want to do – even when you’re doing roles you don’t want.” She stayed alert. She watched for technical re‑entry points. She refused to let one misalignment define her career. That’s leadership agency. For senior leaders reading this If promotion has pulled you away from the work that gives you authority and credibility, ask yourself: Where am I adding value – and where am I merely being useful? What assumptions have others made about what I should do? What am I quietly tolerating that’s costing me energy? Promotion without authorship isn’t advancement. It’s erosion. If this resonates, it’s probably time to recalibrate. You don’t need another role. You need a clearer one. Listen to the full podcast episode here or watch on You Tube here
The Intergenerational Advantage: Why Construction Firms Who Blend Ages Will Outperform Everyone Else
If you’re worried about not having enough young people, including women coming into construction, you’re asking the wrong question. The real risk is what happens when you don’t use the people you already have properly. The Crisis No One Is Solving Properly Across the UK, the construction workforce is ageing faster than it’s being replenished. There are 20% more workers aged 55+ than under 25. And it gets worse: 35% of the workforce is now over 50, and only 20% is under 30. Yes this presents an industry risk, but closer to home we see organisational risk. Leaders worry about recruitment, apprenticeships, T levels, Skills Bootcamps all useful, but none of them address the real issue: Experience is walking out of the door every single day, and new capability isn’t being integrated fast enough. This is exactly what my conversation with Colin McEllin MCIOB of Clan Contracting highlighted. When a 21 year old commercial graduate joined Clan Contracting, Colin didn’t roll his eyes or think, “another kid who’s never been on a site.” He leaned into it and welcomes thoughts, ideas and advice from 'young Aaron'. Massive benefits for him, and Aaron, and the wider team. Why Intergenerational Leadership Is Now a Strategic Priority The construction sector is staring at a workforce cliff edge: • 140,000+ vacancies lie unfilled. • By 2036, 750,000 skilled workers will retire, stripping the industry of vital capability. • The UK will need nearly 1 million additional construction workers by 2032. Yet recruitment alone isn’t enough. You cannot hire your way out of this crisis. We must integrate generations on purpose, not by accident. What Younger Workers Bring (That Leaders Ignore at Their Peril) Younger talent offers: • Modern thinking around sustainability and digital tooling • Analytical approaches and better documentation habits • A willingness to question processes that haven't been updated since the 90s • A commercial lens shaped by newer training systems In Colin’s words, their thinking “took him right back to when he was 21” eager, energetic, ideas driven. You want that energy before they lose it. What Older Workers Bring (That You Can’t Replace) Your experienced people have: • 30+ years of instinct • Pattern recognition that no textbook teaches • Quiet influence that stabilises teams • Technical fluency on heritage, concrete, structure, sequencing, conservation, problem solving These people are your institutional memory. Once they go, they’re gone. And currently, UK engineering employers admit they only retain knowledge effectively from 57% of retiring staff. That is a crisis hiding in plain sight. Leadership Actions That Works 1. Create deliberate two way mentoring (not hierarchical mentoring). Younger staff teach digital skills, new processes, sustainability thinking. Older staff teach technical judgment, site sense, risk spotting. Both feel valued. 2. Give young people actual responsibility, not token tasks. The CITB plans 40,000+ industry placements a year. It means nothing if leaders hide young people in the corner. Let them make decisions, with support. 3. Systemise knowledge transfer. You cannot afford to rely on “ask Dave if you need help.” You need processes, templates, technical walkthroughs, shared documentation. 4. Remove the “that’s not how we do it here” reflex. 76% of construction workers say current training doesn’t adequately prepare people for the job. So your way probably isn’t the best way anymore. Your Competitive Advantage Is Sitting Right Under Your Nose When generations work in isolation, capability leaks. When generations work together, capability compounds. The firms who win over the next decade won’t be the ones who grab the talent, it will be the ones who blend talent. Listen to the full episode of the podcast here or watch on You Tube here About me I write about topics that my podcast guests bring to the podcast. They have years of experience with challenges and opportunities along the way, highs and lows and are in the thick of leading with purpose and passion, faults an'all. As a coach and trainer I work with leaders and their times to help them thrive, laugh, enjoy their work, be productive and to build teams of all ages.
