How to network effectively
Barbra Carlisle • March 12, 2026
Knowing how to network can support your impact and your mental wellness
Most people hate networking. Why would we want to go into a room full of strangers and feel like Billy no mates?
I would counter that even those leaders who appear to be thriving on networking have been through enough sticky networking events to know what to do and which events to focus in on.
Networking can be painful.
You walk into a room of strangers. Everyone seems to know someone. You’re mentally scanning for the quickest escape route while trying to look like you belong.
And yet… the biggest business opportunities rarely come from strategy documents or marketing funnels. They come from people.
Strong networks build referrals, open doors, challenge your thinking, and expand your influence, especially if you’re leading a business under pressure.
Before I give ideas on how to treat networking lets take a look at the deeper psychology around networking
Networking triggers deep evolutionary, social, and cognitive threats - the kind your brain is wired to avoid.
1. Networking activates the social threat centres of your brain
When you walk into a room full of strangers, your brain isn’t thinking “Great, opportunity!”
It’s thinking:
“Am I safe here?”
Humans evolved to thrive in small, familiar tribes. Being excluded or worse, rejected historically meant danger.
In today's world that means
- Fear of awkwardness
- Fear of judgment
- Fear of saying something stupid
- Fear of not being interesting enough
- Fear of not belonging
All of these trigger the amygdala, the brain’s alarm system.
So your discomfort in a networking scenario isn’t a personal flaw unique to you, it is simply our biology.
2. You’re managing impression + uncertainty at the same time (cognitive load)
Networking forces your brain to juggle too many tasks at once:
a. Making a good impression
b. Reading social cues
c. Thinking of relevant questions
d. Listening properly
e. Deciding who to talk to
f. Planning your exit if it goes nowhere
That’s high cognitive load and this overload can make you feel:
- tense
- mentally tired
- distracted
- self-conscious
That internal friction is what people call “awkwardness.”
3. You’re afraid of being evaluated (social evaluation anxiety)
Even confident leaders experience this because in networking settings you’re often subconsciously thinking:
“Do they think I’m credible?”
“Do I sound knowledgeable?”
“Am I worth talking to?”
“Do I look like I belong here?”
This is social evaluation anxiety, and it spikes in situations where:
- there’s ambiguity about roles
- status is unclear
- performance is being observed
- you feel you have something to prove
Networking hits all four.
4. You’re comparing yourself to everyone in the room (social comparison theory)
Your brain automatically scans for:
1. who is more successful
2. who looks more confident
3. who knows more people
4. who looks like the “ideal” leader
5. who looks like they fit in
Comparison is automatic and w can’t switch it off.
And comparison always heightens emotional discomfort.
5. You’re forcing authenticity too fast (“identity acceleration stress”)
Good networking relies on being authentic, but authenticity requires:
- trust
- safety
- context
- warmth
- time
Networking gives you none of those.
So your brain is trying to answer:
“How much of myself is safe to reveal?”
That creates psychological tension especially for people who:
a. feel different
b. don’t match the typical demographic
c. are senior and expected “not to need help”
d. are in a leadership role and fear looking vulnerable
This is why many people perform a “professional mask” in networking which drains more or your limited energy.
6. Ambiguity = anxiety
Networking is full of unknowns:
“How long should I talk to them?”
“How do I end this conversation?”
“Should I talk about work?”
“What if they’re bored?”
Humans hate ambiguity as our brains crave structure.
Networking feels uncomfortable because it’s unstructured and unpredictable, which the brain treats as risk.
7. The transactional feel clashes with human connection instincts
Humans intuitively know when interactions feel:
- forced
- inauthentic
- transactional
- opportunistic
Networking events often incentivise transactions (“Who can help me?”) rather than relationships.
Your brain hates that conflict.
Because humans are wired for connection, not transactions and any clash creates discomfort.
So… why does some networking feel energising instead of painful?
Because the brain relaxes when you experience:
- Shared purpose
- Warmth over status
- Narrative instead of small talk
- One meaningful conversation, not 20 shallow ones
- Listened to
- Predictable structure (panels, roundtables, introduced conversations)
- Being seen and understood
This is why structured, story-led, human conversations feel good.
But networking only works if you stop treating it like a chore and start treating it like a leadership skill.
Here’s how.
1. Stop trying to “work the room”
Most people think networking is collecting as many contacts as possible. That’s exhausting.
Aim for one or two meaningful conversations instead.
Ask questions that open people up:
“What’s keeping you busiest this month?”
“What’s the most interesting thing you’re working on?”
“What kind of clients or partners are you trying to meet right now?”
Slow, deep, human.
That’s where trust begins.
2. Don’t introduce yourself with a job title
A job title kills a conversation.
Try a story-driven opener:
“I help construction and engineering business owners lead decisively so their teams step up instead of leaning on them.”
People remember stories
3. Follow up before the moment goes cold
The follow-up is where most people fail.
Send a message within 24 hours:
“Great talking earlier. I’d love to continue the conversation. How about a 15‑minute call next week?”
Professional. Polite. Forward movement.
Networking done well is momentum, not mingling.
4. Give more than you take
The strongest leaders build networks by offering value first:
Share a useful connection
Forward an article
Offer a perspective
When you help people without expecting anything, you become the person they think of when opportunities arise.
And those opportunities compound.
5. If it feels uncomfortable… good
Networking is supposed to stretch you.
Not because you’re “selling,” but because you’re building visibility and that’s vulnerable.
But leadership is visibility. If you're building a business, a career, or a team, hiding is not an option.
Networking isn’t about being extroverted. It’s about being strategic and human.
Focus on:
- Real conversations
- Clear positioning
- Timely follow‑up
- Generosity
- Stretching your comfort zone
Do that consistently and your network becomes:
- Your safety net.
- Your sounding board.
- Your opportunity engine.
- And the painful part?
- That fades with practice.
If you ever want to talk through strategies for surviving and thriving at networking email barbra@gleecoaching.com
Ideas and thoughts on how to lead well through complexity and change
Senior leadership comes with an unspoken contract. Be decisive but do not intimidate people. Be confident but do not dominate the room. Be passionate but tone it down. Be resilient but do not show strain. One senior leader described it like this: “People want you to be assertive but not assertive. Strong but weak. Passionate but not showing too much passion.” If that sounds contradictory, it is. And yet this is what many experienced leaders carry every day, quietly. When experience does not equal belonging In a recent conversation with a Technical Director who has spent over 20 years in a male‑dominated industry, one question stayed with me: “When do I get to belong?” This was not said from a place of insecurity or inexperience. This was someone who: - leads large, complex programmes - manages global teams - has built capability from the ground up - is objectively successful And still feels the need to prove herself again and again. That constant internal checking, am I being too much, am I not enough, is exhausting. Not because leaders cannot handle pressure. Because the rules keep shifting. The pressure nobody notices Many senior leaders normalise the strain. They tell themselves: - this is just the job - others have it worse - I can push a bit longer Until the body intervenes. One moment shared was stark. Working across multiple major projects, sleeping badly, always saying yes. And then the body simply stopped cooperating. A breakdown that arrived without warning. Not drama. Not failure. Feedback. What resilience actually looked like The shift did not come from wellness slogans or better time management. It came from three grounded changes. 1. Capacity boundaries A clear rule. If something new comes in, something else must move out. Not because of weakness. Because leadership requires judgement about capacity, not endless commitment. 2. Progress over perfection Daily focus on what can realistically move forward. Two completed tasks is not underperformance. It is momentum. 3. Perspective under pressure A recurring reminder in difficult moments: “No one is going to die.” This is not dismissive. It is grounding. It brings leaders out of panic mode and back into proportion. The quiet truth about senior leadership At the top, pressure does not disappear. It simply becomes less visible. Strong leaders are not struggling because they lack resilience. They struggle when they are expected to absorb contradiction, manage everyone else’s comfort, and never acknowledge the cost. Leadership is not about being everything at once. It is about being clear enough to lead without erasing yourself. If this resonates, it is not because you are failing. It is because you are carrying more than most people see.
There’s a moment in many leadership careers where promotion comes with a quiet trade‑off. Not made explicit. Not negotiated. But keenly felt. You’re rewarded for your expertise – and then slowly pulled away from it. In my latest podcast episode, I spoke with Dr Nike Folayan MBE (PhD, CEng., FIET, HonFREng), Technical Director at WSP, who manages a team of 40+ engineers and remains fiercely committed to technical excellence. Her experience mirrors what I see repeatedly when coaching senior leaders in construction and engineering. “I knew my strength was technical. But I was put into non‑technical interface roles – and it almost destroyed me.” This is where many leaders break. The hidden cost of “helpful” roles Nike described being moved into interface management on a major infrastructure project. On paper, it looked like exposure. In reality, it stripped away her professional identity. She was no longer recognised as an engineer – but as someone who was “good at organising”. It was a form of professional dilution. And it happens more than people think. Engineers promoted into coordination or management Specialists turned into generalists Experts trapped in meetings while others do the work they want to do Eventually, they disconnect – or leave. The issue isn’t all about capability. It’s clarity and showcasing. What allowed Nike to rebuild wasn’t luck or resilience clichés. It was brutal clarity. “You have to be very clear what you want to do – even when you’re doing roles you don’t want.” She stayed alert. She watched for technical re‑entry points. She refused to let one misalignment define her career. That’s leadership agency. For senior leaders reading this If promotion has pulled you away from the work that gives you authority and credibility, ask yourself: Where am I adding value – and where am I merely being useful? What assumptions have others made about what I should do? What am I quietly tolerating that’s costing me energy? Promotion without authorship isn’t advancement. It’s erosion. If this resonates, it’s probably time to recalibrate. You don’t need another role. You need a clearer one. Listen to the full podcast episode here or watch on You Tube here
