How to network effectively
Barbra Carlisle • March 12, 2026
Knowing how to network can support your impact and your mental wellness
Most people hate networking. Why would we want to go into a room full of strangers and feel like Billy no mates?
I would counter that even those leaders who appear to be thriving on networking have been through enough sticky networking events to know what to do and which events to focus in on.
Networking can be painful.
You walk into a room of strangers. Everyone seems to know someone. You’re mentally scanning for the quickest escape route while trying to look like you belong.
And yet… the biggest business opportunities rarely come from strategy documents or marketing funnels. They come from people.
Strong networks build referrals, open doors, challenge your thinking, and expand your influence, especially if you’re leading a business under pressure.
Before I give ideas on how to treat networking lets take a look at the deeper psychology around networking
Networking triggers deep evolutionary, social, and cognitive threats - the kind your brain is wired to avoid.
1. Networking activates the social threat centres of your brain
When you walk into a room full of strangers, your brain isn’t thinking “Great, opportunity!”
It’s thinking:
“Am I safe here?”
Humans evolved to thrive in small, familiar tribes. Being excluded or worse, rejected historically meant danger.
In today's world that means
- Fear of awkwardness
- Fear of judgment
- Fear of saying something stupid
- Fear of not being interesting enough
- Fear of not belonging
All of these trigger the amygdala, the brain’s alarm system.
So your discomfort in a networking scenario isn’t a personal flaw unique to you, it is simply our biology.
2. You’re managing impression + uncertainty at the same time (cognitive load)
Networking forces your brain to juggle too many tasks at once:
a. Making a good impression
b. Reading social cues
c. Thinking of relevant questions
d. Listening properly
e. Deciding who to talk to
f. Planning your exit if it goes nowhere
That’s high cognitive load and this overload can make you feel:
- tense
- mentally tired
- distracted
- self-conscious
That internal friction is what people call “awkwardness.”
3. You’re afraid of being evaluated (social evaluation anxiety)
Even confident leaders experience this because in networking settings you’re often subconsciously thinking:
“Do they think I’m credible?”
“Do I sound knowledgeable?”
“Am I worth talking to?”
“Do I look like I belong here?”
This is social evaluation anxiety, and it spikes in situations where:
- there’s ambiguity about roles
- status is unclear
- performance is being observed
- you feel you have something to prove
Networking hits all four.
4. You’re comparing yourself to everyone in the room (social comparison theory)
Your brain automatically scans for:
1. who is more successful
2. who looks more confident
3. who knows more people
4. who looks like the “ideal” leader
5. who looks like they fit in
Comparison is automatic and w can’t switch it off.
And comparison always heightens emotional discomfort.
5. You’re forcing authenticity too fast (“identity acceleration stress”)
Good networking relies on being authentic, but authenticity requires:
- trust
- safety
- context
- warmth
- time
Networking gives you none of those.
So your brain is trying to answer:
“How much of myself is safe to reveal?”
That creates psychological tension especially for people who:
a. feel different
b. don’t match the typical demographic
c. are senior and expected “not to need help”
d. are in a leadership role and fear looking vulnerable
This is why many people perform a “professional mask” in networking which drains more or your limited energy.
6. Ambiguity = anxiety
Networking is full of unknowns:
“How long should I talk to them?”
“How do I end this conversation?”
“Should I talk about work?”
“What if they’re bored?”
Humans hate ambiguity as our brains crave structure.
Networking feels uncomfortable because it’s unstructured and unpredictable, which the brain treats as risk.
7. The transactional feel clashes with human connection instincts
Humans intuitively know when interactions feel:
- forced
- inauthentic
- transactional
- opportunistic
Networking events often incentivise transactions (“Who can help me?”) rather than relationships.
Your brain hates that conflict.
Because humans are wired for connection, not transactions and any clash creates discomfort.
So… why does some networking feel energising instead of painful?
Because the brain relaxes when you experience:
- Shared purpose
- Warmth over status
- Narrative instead of small talk
- One meaningful conversation, not 20 shallow ones
- Listened to
- Predictable structure (panels, roundtables, introduced conversations)
- Being seen and understood
This is why structured, story-led, human conversations feel good.
But networking only works if you stop treating it like a chore and start treating it like a leadership skill.
Here’s how.
1. Stop trying to “work the room”
Most people think networking is collecting as many contacts as possible. That’s exhausting.
Aim for one or two meaningful conversations instead.
Ask questions that open people up:
“What’s keeping you busiest this month?”
“What’s the most interesting thing you’re working on?”
“What kind of clients or partners are you trying to meet right now?”
Slow, deep, human.
That’s where trust begins.
2. Don’t introduce yourself with a job title
A job title kills a conversation.
Try a story-driven opener:
“I help construction and engineering business owners lead decisively so their teams step up instead of leaning on them.”
People remember stories
3. Follow up before the moment goes cold
The follow-up is where most people fail.
Send a message within 24 hours:
“Great talking earlier. I’d love to continue the conversation. How about a 15‑minute call next week?”
Professional. Polite. Forward movement.
Networking done well is momentum, not mingling.
4. Give more than you take
The strongest leaders build networks by offering value first:
Share a useful connection
Forward an article
Offer a perspective
When you help people without expecting anything, you become the person they think of when opportunities arise.
And those opportunities compound.
5. If it feels uncomfortable… good
Networking is supposed to stretch you.
Not because you’re “selling,” but because you’re building visibility and that’s vulnerable.
But leadership is visibility. If you're building a business, a career, or a team, hiding is not an option.
Networking isn’t about being extroverted. It’s about being strategic and human.
Focus on:
- Real conversations
- Clear positioning
- Timely follow‑up
- Generosity
- Stretching your comfort zone
Do that consistently and your network becomes:
- Your safety net.
- Your sounding board.
- Your opportunity engine.
- And the painful part?
- That fades with practice.
If you ever want to talk through strategies for surviving and thriving at networking email barbra@gleecoaching.com
Ideas and thoughts on how to lead well through complexity and change
Overcome barriers to promotion by staying authentic, building confidence, and challenging industry norms. A lesson in bold leadership.
It sounds counterintuitive but many people feel more shame when they succeed than when they fail. Leaders describe the same sensation: an urge to minimise achievements, downplay their role, or avoid using job titles that signal authority. The psychology beneath “success shame” Research shows that shame is a social emotion triggered when we feel we’re not meeting internal or external expectations, or when we fear being judged for who we are rather than what we did. Success raises the stakes. As visibility increases, so does the fear of exposure. This is the foundation of imposter syndrome, which affects up to 70% of high-performing individuals, especially when stepping into roles that carry authority. According to psychologists, imposter syndrome is characterised by persistent self-doubt, attributing success to luck, and fear of being “found out.” Why job titles trigger discomfort Job titles serve as identity markers and identity is where shame hits hardest. Psychological research distinguishes: - Embarrassment (“I did something silly”) - Guilt (“I did something wrong”) - Shame (“There is something wrong with me”) Shame, not embarrassment, is the emotion most tied to identity, which explains why stating a job title can feel exposing. Many leaders fear that owning their title invites scrutiny they may not live up to. This internal conflict intensifies with success, when expectations feel higher, visibility increases and vulnerability rises. Others fear social disapproval or judgment for appearing “too confident.” The evolutionary and cultural roots Shame evolved as a mechanism to maintain group cohesion, effectively a social brake to prevent behaviours that risk group rejection. Modern workplace dynamics amplify this: senior roles often come with public accountability, performance pressures and comparison with peers. Psychology research highlights that success can activate the same vulnerability circuits as failure, just in different ways. Practical ways leaders can reduce “success shame” 1. Name it. Recognising shame reduces its power, literally bringing it into conscious awareness disrupts avoidance. 2. Separate identity from performance. Your role describes what you do, not who you are. 3. Rehearse your job title neutrally. Build comfort stating it without caveats or humour. 4. Assign credit accurately. Neither minimising nor inflating your contribution: just being factual. 5. Use mentoring or coaching to normalise visibility discomfort. Exposure is easier when shared. The leaders who struggle most with shame are often the ones who care deeply, lead well and hold themselves to high standards. But owning your authority isn’t arrogance, it’s clarity. And you deserve it! If you are struggling with your identity as a leader just get in touch and we can talk. email barbra@gleecoaching.com
